Thursday, September 16, 2010

Memorial to All My Deaths • 5/31/10

This death card was unintentionally done on the eve of and Memorial day! I want to doubt I had two NDE's. There is too much evidence to the contrary though. Like the hand marks on my neck, seen by my whole post grad group. And the hand that went up to cover my nose during another group therapy session. 15 years after the therapy groups, I am exploring these NDE's, not by my choice. I am one who is mad at my body for holding my spirit here. I did not want to leave my body behind. What would happen to my family if I died? I am one who feels like I have been a watcher of my family all my life.
At the time, infancy, I left my life behind. What is my life? I am one who is happy now. What is my purpose? What is the purpose of life? Some say to learn. I am one who is unscientific, life just is. I am one who has taken the opportunity to make life awesome. And learn like mad.
Death is part of the life cycle. That's all. I am one who longed for death, and would carry death out by not living my truth. I am one who lived for others. Even doing what wasn't asked for. My purpose was for others, I left myself out. I created that, they didn't. Why relinquish my truth, my life?
I am one who sacrificed. What did I sacrifice? My life. Even though I didn't die, I sacrificed my life. Why didn't I do what God wanted me to? I gave up my life as a child for the sake of my family. I realize in this moment, this was my way of love and grandiose.
Sacrifice - an act of offering to a deity something precious, especially the killing of a victim on an alter.
- something offered in sacrifice.
- a destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else.
- something given up or lost.
- loss.
Wow, I gave up my life. Sacrifice is about love. I loved and love my family. In so doing I lost myself and love. Kicked and kicked and tortured myself. Done with that deal, thank you. Either them or me is ridiculous. Love prevails.
Jesus, the perfect person, died on the cross in offering God for the forgiveness of sins. Therefore his death a sacrifice. I can't 'get' this. Right ear is burning. I do not want to get it. Did I sin for not sacrificing myself? Actually during the NDE I had not even considered coming back. Others brought me back.
Giving myself to God. Give myself to God without the sacrifice of death. Is that possible? Now I know yes.
I can't get that Jesus died for our sins. Jesus was tortured by the Romans. Brutally beaten and hung on the cross to die a slow painful death. John 10:17-18 Lay down my life. Take it up again. Happened to me.
What has Jesus got to do with me? Something. Came to me in Holotropic Breathwork™ and a SoulCollage®.
I am one who knows, dead or alive, spirit lives. I am just a part of the life cycle. The roses, food and knife are symbols of death being a part of the life cycle. Spirit lives on, I know from when I was dead. Spirit is indestructible and brilliant. I am one who knows stamina.
I am one who had to line the turkey up with the gravy, just like death is the line up for rebirth. We don't think of food as dead. Thanksgiving - part of my life cycle is giving thanks for sins instead of being persecuted for them. Sins got me to reacquaint with God. Maybe that's how Jesus was getting us to God? I am one who is constantly learning and sorting life out.
I am one who is bound up still i.e. constipation. I am one who is afraid to unbind, to let loose and live my life.
I am one who is a savior. I bring God to people in everyday, ordinary ways. All is of pure. I am a perennial flower, I keep coming back life after life.
Even though this is the death card I only see life. I don't see death when I see Jesus either. I see life. I see spirit. That is why I think of the good in people. Stop sacrificing my precious gift, me. I feel happy within.
I had left my life behind. My second house (physical body & material resources) SoulCollage® 11/17/08, Jesus shed his body. I didn't. I was much younger, an infant, and I had stuff to do for God. Love to give. My material resources do not feel like mine. My spirit is not 'mine'. All belongs to All.

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