Thursday, September 17, 2009
Sitting on the deck with my husband and suddenly I feel myself leave, a goner. He can feel it and see it, "I can't even look at you." Was a bit creepy, which I'm used to. So I forge ahead. I realize an omen had come over me. The omen: "In emotion and complaint, I loose myself." If I stayed stuck in emotion and judgement, bleak would be the title of my future. Extraordinarily ordinary is more like the title of my future :)
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
To actually change, to heal, one must know what anchors the pesky behavior, feeling, thought, physically ailment... in place. Resolving the anchor, releases the symptom one is disturbed by.
This mornings tracking.
Being selfish does not get me (or anyone) what I want. Most people think it does. "I want" are the key words. What my mind thinks I want and what is true to my well being can vary greatly.
Yesterday my 2nd chai (what my thought lead me to) did me in.
I avoid nurturing myself (what would have served me well i.e. time outside).
I think of a poem I wrote many years ago. Describing the terror and pain I experienced and went to candy, cookies.. for " warmth, calm, peace, love, relief, joy and pleasure."
I know "something" is beyond these feelings. What is "it"?
Stop living limited to my personality. Emotions and food are overrated!
Judgement is the ultimate limiter.
Blame and shame prevent me from getting beyond the limits of emotion.
In blame and shame I am a victim. And a perpetrator. I carry these out toward myself.
Personal growth is living, not separate. My ratio is out of whack, too much personality.
The "it" from above is, live divine, without separation. The way Stan Grof and Brian Weiss are is living divine.
As a female, can I live the divine?
This is only for males (remember this is, now was, my mental programming).
Felt some physical pain. As soon as I felt in my body I wanted M & M's. Eating an M & M would be like drinking a beer at 8am. Why will I not nurture me?
"What is the bigger picture?"
Girls are bad.
Major program, that was unconscious to me.
Yesterday I picked Dog, the animal medicine card contrary. Means unloyal. For me, unloyal to self, (girls are bad).
Girls are bad program, manifested in many ways in my life. Now that the program is gone, the manifestations are gone. Whew!
I live divine.
This is tracking, an amazing way to finding what needs to be transformed.
To release this and any program that is contrary to myself or others, I connect with the same energy that took me/anyone from a cell to a full grown body and observe the transformation.
Nature is divine. Living my nature is fun :)
Monday, September 14, 2009
Early this morning I saw lines. Since I was a kid I've seen colors and movement, never lines. Reminds me of these Holotropic Breathwork mandalas. Was a year before the dots were connected. And it registered in my DNA and transpersonally, love, connection, and relationship are safe.
Over the weekend I realize, I've been without a mentor for too long. A couple of women come to mind, no action is taken. Monday morning I set up for work in the office of a friend and colleague. There is a card of hers I have never seen before. 3 words are on the front, Therapist, Mentor, Facilitator. So much for thinking! This is how life is. All is provided.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
8-2-09 SoulCollage®, My Cover is Blown
11 hours ago I posted the "birth" mandala, this set off a spiritual emergency. A myriad of physical abnormalities along with a complete loss of energy, my words slurred and my eyes couldn't open far. I felt hallow. Clairvoyantly, an illuminated orb with an earth like appearance and two hands over it's surface came. Then a huge moon appeared with a missing section at 4:30. Eventually, the moon, filled the sky. I knew right away it was compassion. We looked up 4:30, "I open my heart with compassion for all life has to offer." Clairvoyantly compassion rose along the edge then into my center. I literally experienced the difference between compassion in the material world and the spiritual world. A phenomenal experience. Compassion in the spiritual world is Real. Like Brian Weiss's book, "Only Love is Real." I know the difference between living from the heart in a godly way and in an earthly way. This lead me to reading "Movie Yoga", a book that was delivered Friday (I thought for a friend!). The chapter on, (BPM 2 Stan Grof), The Trap Zone. This talked of the Heros Journey. What NetFlix movie has been sitting on our desk for a month, Joseph Campbells, "A Heros Journey." Joseph stated when you follow your bliss, the world provides. Wala. Once again, the way life is, aka synchronicity.
Resources: Norman Mansson, thank you for your help. "Movie Yoga" by Tav Sparks. Joseph Campbells film "A Hero's Journey", Stan Grof's birth perinatal matrix's. "Spiritual Emergency" by Stan and Christina Grof', HeartMind Shivatsu Meridian Gestures and Functions wall chart by Matthew Sweigart and David Goetz, ThetaHealing™, "SoulCollage®" by Senna Frost. The "angel" of our house painter who asked yesterday to borrow $200.
The birth of going public. Yesterday I felt liberated, emancipated, free. Last night, sitting in the chair next to me, I noticed the attached mandala, done in May 2001. Another "this is how life works." Timely as the next day this blog birthed, without any intention for that to happen. My frontal lobe and gut are stirred up.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Web presence for years, was met with resistance. And then boom, in 10 minutes I have a blog. Followed by my throat, stomach, and thymus coming to my attention. By instinct, I went with the thymus. Which lead me to the pituitary gland. Which lead to my belief, "what I feel wont be heard". Immediately carried out with my husband. All excited, I called, "I have a blog". No response. "Want to see it?" "I'm getting lunch." I felt irritated.
After a nap from the fatigue (disassociation) that also surfaced, I connected with the energy of all that is, (aka source, creator, divine, higher power, god), to balance my pituitary gland. Saw a rat. The key note of rat: success, restlessness, shrewdness. Which lead to googling retreat centers. Some people call this synchronicity. This is the way life works, staying present with and acting on what is.
Resources involved: ThetaHealing Disease and Disorder by Vianna Stibal. Animal-Speak by Ted Andrews. Norman Mansson's love.
Before retiring for the evening I said to my husband, "I am deeply grateful we resolve our imbalances quickly." His response, "It's not a wall to go over, it's a door to go through."