Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Gentle • 8/13/10

I am one who is gentle at heart. I am one who remembers when I am scared God is there for me, Norman is there for me. No matter how battered I got, love reins. I am the diamond in the rough, thanks to God. I may appear alone, yet there is no such thing. Love is my constant in a nature of change. Love is unlimited and doesn't depend on people. I am one who sees love. I am one who's "been there." I am one who's Aunt was there for me. I am one who's brother was there for me. I am one who was afraid to be there. I am one who wants to be fully here. I want all of me to be home in me. I want all of me to come home from my mother ill behavior. I feel harsh. I am one who knows I am not all here, together in my body. There are gaps and ways in which I can not hold myself like the man in the collage is holding the kitten. I don't have, everything is ok now. I am one who really wants to let go of childhood affects and be fully me. Be present to me, be all here on earth in my body. I am one who notices my hand writing got better during this recorded collage reading. I am one who is terrified to mother myself. Mother feels like a killer instinct, instead of a gentle, loving, available, protective soul. I am one who took on my mothers fear. I am one who thinks of my loved ones and many disturbing mother experiences. My mother got no help. Was my mother desperate? Did she have a clue what was happening to her? She was alone, in inordinate amounts of pain with no way out? My mother has not called me in the past 10 years that Norman & I have been together. I am one who could not get my mother be loving toward me. Seems odd I would feel more from my severely abusive Dad, then again at least there was feeling. Big lump in my throat as I experience neither parent showed me love. As I do not for myself.
Art draws me out, that is why I refrain. Art is peaceful. I am afraid of peace. That is why I keep moving. When I first started soulcollaging I could not sit still. I have never been an easy does it gal. I love you, Cheryl. Thank you, Cheryl. Please forgive me for all my self disdain, all my self ciritcism, all my separation from self. I am the field of flowers in Natures way. Taking the shape Nature has given me. Blessed me with. I am one who is a blessing. What would I do without me? I am one who is a part of the universe. I am here to love, serve and remember. I am connected to all. I feel my place, my value, my importance to others and God. I am one who must feel my place, value and importance to me. I am one who rejected me. I am one who feels rejection. I've got joy, joy, joy, joy, deep in my heart and deep in my mind to stay. I've got peace, peace, peace, peace deep in my heart and deep in my mind to stay. I've got love, love, love, love deep in my heart and deep in my mind to stay.

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